Have you been experiencing a gravitational pull towards emotionally un-available men lately?

                           ATTACHMENT STYLES IN ADULTS BY: Dr. Joseph Boodaghi, PhD

.                                        

Generally, an attachment style is determined by the way in which you were cared for as a baby, or a child.  If your parents were sensitive, responsive, and available, you are likely to develop a secure attachment style in adulthood where reciprocity, parity, and mutuality are present.  If parents were inconsistently responsive, rejecting, abandoning, or alcoholic, an anxious attachment style develops in adulthood, where relationships are fraught with fears of rejection, abandonment, insecurity and excessive neediness.

If parents were rigid, distant, and unemotional, remote, then, an avoidant attachment style develops in adulthood where long term relationships are sabotaged for varying reasons, Unconsciously.  Therefore, relationships just do not last more than a year or so.     Consequently,  we then are programmed to act in a pre-determined manner in romantic situations.

Here are some features of the 3 Attachment personalities:

Avoidant type:  sends mixed signals,  craves a lot of space, lone wolf types, overly self-reliant, and makes unilateral decisions without including partner in the coupling process. Devalues you directly, and/or indirectly.  Ignores things that inconvenience him/her by not responding or changing the topic of intimacy, and disregards partner’s  emotional well-being.   Often respond to the “facts” and not taking your feelings into account.   Uses “fault-finding” as a way of creating emotional distance.   They attribute their single status as external, not having met the right girl/boy, not the right city, waiting for the “right” one, etc. 

 The Avoidant type does not make his/her intentions clear.  Uses distancing strategies that seem confusing to the partner.    There are often long pauses and periods after getting close.  They prefer to keep things fuzzy.  They also end relationships more frequently,  therefore are in the dating pool frequently and for long periods of time.  Avoidant might typically say things like:   “you are too sensitive”, “too needy”, “I don’t want to talk about it”, “stop analyzing everything”, “I am not having this discussion”, often they walk away or hang up.  They are bad at reading the partner’s verbal and non-verbal emotional cues and do not think it is their responsibility to do so!

Secure Type:  This type is reliable, consistent and makes decisions with you.  Flexible and collaborative, they are comfortable with being alone.  Not afraid of commitment or dependency, closeness creates further closeness, does not play games. 

Anxious Type:   wants a lot of closeness,  worries about rejection a lot, unhappy when not in a relationship. Absorbed in finding a partner.  Lets you set the tone of the relationship.  Fears that small things/acts will ruin the relationship.  Believes that he/she  has to work hard to keep your interest.  Tries hard to inform, educate, fix, teach the distancing partner about healthy relationships. Personalizes things, assumes  that the partner pulls away because of something she/he did.  Research Studies indicate that avoidant individuals actually prefer anxiously attached persons. Anxious attachments types are more drawn to avoidant types because, getting the Avoidant type’s validation will make them feel ok about themselves.

In conclusion, all these dynamics are merely constructs to observe in our relationships to help us navigate to the best possible and healthy outcome for all involved,  Dr. Joseph Boodaghi